Episode 25: Clowns and Ringmasters

Back at the courthouse, the media frenzy continued unabated.

“University President Cassandra Buchmann utterly destroyed Senator Chad Travis in cross-examination this morning, as the defense flailed and floundered about trying to rebut the state’s case. The eyes of the world are on this small rural hamlet where the defense will begin presenting their case this afternoon. The big question on everyone’s mind is ‘will Dr. Andrews apologize?’ More from the Andrews Transphobia Trial after these messages from our sponsors.”

“Yo, what’s up zoomers? It’s ya’ boy, Zoomcaster, here. It’s been a wild ride so far in the Andrews Trial! This professor or whatever that the state brought in says that a woman is anyone who SAYS he’s a woman. Can you believe it? Seriously, can you believe the state’s argument that Dr. Andrews is an oppressor because one student got their feelings hurt? Unbelievable! That’s the best the state could do. Now this afternoon, we’ll begin to see what the defense has to offer. If you're vibin’ with my coverage, ‘Like’ and ‘Subscribe’ and spread the word to your squad!”

“You’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe,” another young man began. “When will our so-called conservative leaders realize there’s no point in re-fighting old battles about supposed election fraud and whether public health policy was perfectly optimized in the COVID response? Taking on drag queen story times and fighting the transgender activists’ attempts to groom our children is a winning political issue that goes straight to the heart of winning the culture war. THAT’S what we need to be running on in the next election. Senator Travis showed us all the way. He wiped the floor with President Buchmann in an epic cross-examination where the logical fallacies and circular reasoning were spinning faster than the blades of the Mega-Mix-Master Turbo Juicer! Now, you too can refresh yourself with healthy homemade smoothies and stay sharp and refreshed, ready to debate the liberals in YOUR life!”

“In a report a few years back,” a British reporter explained, “the BBC found we British – even when we’re not at fault – are far more likely to apologize than our American cousins. As the immortal Bard observed,

‘If we shadows have offended,
think but this and all is mended.

That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.

this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,

Gentles, do not reprehend:
if YOU pardon, WE will mend.’

“The Bard realized we cannot mend our own faults until we are willing to beg the pardon of those we have offended. Will Dr. Andrews ‘man up,’ to use the American vernacular, and apologize? Or, consumed by his own toxic masculinity and foolish pride, will he ‘double down’ and bring ruin upon himself and his community? Truly, the eyes of the world are watching this small rural hamlet for an answer to that question as the defense begins presenting their case this afternoon.”

“Civilization, in fact, grows more and more maudlin and hysterical,” a gray-haired reporter typed his daily column, “and especially under democracy it tends to degenerate into a mere combat of crazes. The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them largely imaginary: global warming; orange man bad; COVID; Russia, Russia, Russia; and now this transgender affirmation craze.”

Another reporter updated his audience: “This morning the state stood strong against the worst the defense could do to undermine the message of love, tolerance, and gender affirmation. This afternoon, the eyes of the world are on this small rural hamlet where the defense will begin presenting their case. The question everyone’s asking? Will Dr. Andrews apologize?”

“It’s inspiration inhalation time. Deep breath in… hold it… and out,” began a balding man. “The Great Analyzer here once again. You might think this is all about facts and fallacies and President Buchmann’s inability to define what a woman is. That’s where you’re wrong. It IS about feelings. It’s about HURT feelings, and about how those hurt feelings can be turned around into something constructive. I call it the ‘hurt-feelings hypothesis.’ Am I right? Of course, I am. Let me explain.”

“It was the most breathtaking moment so far at the Andrews Transphobia Trial,” another reporter emoted. “Senator Chad Travis, champion of the patriarchy and so-called traditional values, flailing helplessly against the deep wisdom and profound knowledge of University President and Professor Cassandra Buchmann, one of our nation’s most respected gender studies scholars, a woman who mentored not only Senator Castillo, but countless courageous teachers and professors all across America. The eyes of the world’s historians of the future will look back upon this small rural hamlet at this special moment in history in awestruck wonder. Those historians of the future already know the answer to the question we’re all still pondering: ‘will Dr. Andrews apologize?’”

“The eyes of the world are on this small rural hamlet?” the Dangerous Tranny asked. “Who talks like that? Clearly it wasn’t the best and brightest narrative architect on duty sending out the talking points this morning!”

He shook his head dismissively. “This isn’t about Dr. Andrews needing to apologize. This is about submission and compliance,” he proclaimed. “It’s point deer, say horse.

“Don’t you know the story, darlings?

“Zhao Gao, chancellor to the Emperor, brought a deer before the court, telling them it was a horse.

“The Emperor laughed and said, ‘That is a deer, not a horse.’ Then, the Emperor questioned the officials.

“Some said it was a deer. Some remained silent.

“Others, hoping to ingratiate themselves with Zhao Gao, agreed that the deer was, in fact, a horse.

“Zhao Gao arranged the execution of all who said the deer was a deer. Thus, did he sow terror and cement his power in the court.

“Only adherence to an obvious and ridiculous lie serves to prove where one’s loyalties lie. Force people to lie to show their loyalty. Humiliate them. Make them complicit in their own bondage. Force them to call a boy a girl and a girl a boy. Bake me a cake. Suck the tranny dick, bigots.

“It is your compliance and your submission they want – the fact that they have forced you to deny the truth and twist and corrupt your thinking until you can no longer think effectively.”

He flicked a rainbow-hued feather stole past his red Make America Great Again cap to emphasize the point.

“THAT is how they demonstrate their power over you, darlings, and ensure your bondage.”