Episode 5: You May Be Seated - The Media Circus

“Behind me, in THIS courthouse, jury selection begins later this Monday morning in the trial of the State versus Michael Phillip Andrews. We’ll be following the case from beginning to end,” the reporter assured his audience, “but first on The Good Morning News, sponsored by Pfizer, a breakthrough study shows the latest COVID booster shot may actually help both male pattern baldness and impotence...”

“Yo, what’s up guys? It’s your boy, Zoomcaster, here, and I made it to Andrews Trial!” proclaimed another young man into his phone. “Twelve hours straight on the road, but I finally made it. The hotels are jam packed, but the locals have been really chill. Some boomers let me park my truck in their driveway. The locals have been staying away from the courthouse this morning. Seems the whole crowd is just outsiders... Reporters and podcasters... And a few students from the university. You can help me pay for my travel expenses at the link below…”

A woman brushed the hair of a man fidgeting nervously in a suit. “You’re good, sir. In five, four, three…” She finished the count silently with her fingers and cued the camera man.

“You’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe!” the man began. “In what could end up the most significant challenge to liberal cultural hegemony since we overturned Roe v. Wade, this morning a courageous teacher standing up for the Judeo-Christian-Scientific tradition will soon be fighting for his career, maybe even for his life, if the angry campus radicals have their way. And let me tell you, if you’re going to travel deep in the heart of a blue state to cover their latest insanities, you need a good night’s sleep,” he continued. “That’s why – even when I travel – I bring along my 1200-thread count Magnolia sheets. With a patented blend of high-tech synthetic microfibers and grown-right-here-in-the-U-S-of-A cotton, Magnolia makes every night’s sleep cool and comfortable. And for a limited time only, when you go to their website and use promo code….”

“In a tradition that goes back to our own ‘Magna Carta,’” a British reporter proclaimed, “soon Dr. Michael Phillip Andrews will be judged by a jury of his peers who will determine whether a teacher can defy the scientific consensus and indoctrinate his students in hateful transphobic ideologies that…”

“Last week, when the infidel Andrews was first laid by the heels, there was no uncertainty in all this smiling valley,” a balding reporter typed into his laptop. “The academics leaped to the assault as one. Today, with the curtain barely rung up and the worst buffooneries to come, it is obvious to even the academics that getting on the map is not enough. Two weeks ago, this town was happy and obscure. Today it’s a universal joke.”

“Even in a state as progressive as this one,” intoned another reporter using the courthouse as a backdrop, “there remain islands of ignorance bypassed by the forces of modernity where archaic attitudes, old prejudices, and debunked science remain virulent.”

“Okay everyone, all together: deep breath in… hold it… and out,” began another balding man. “You’re listening to ‘The Great Analyzer,’ live from the Andrews Trial with the most insightful and accurate analysis you’ll find anywhere. ‘Trial by jury’ is nothing more than the fallacy of the ‘wisdom of the crowd.’ But back here in reality, people don’t suddenly get smarter when you put them in groups. Instead, it’s usually the reverse. Let me explain.”

“My four-year-old daughter has been having nightmares,” another reporter was emoting to yet another camera. “My daughter looked at me yesterday as I dropped her off at her daycare, so I could head to the airport, and she asked me, ‘Mommy, why won’t that mean teacher let me be a boy if that’s how I really feel? Why is he erasing me?’ I could give her… no answer.”

“They may be able to persecute a courageous biology teacher like Dr. Andrews,” proclaimed another podcaster in flamboyant drag topped with a Make America Great Again cap, “but they simply cannot handle a ‘Dangerous Tranny’ who refuses to accept their anti-scientific left-wing nonsense. The leftist radicals are showing us who are the REAL transphobes. Let’s head on into the courtroom where the jury that will decide Dr. Andrew’s fate is about to be selected!”

The media circus.