Episode 54: Hit the Road

“The President has declared a national week of mourning to honor the late Senator Castillo who died suddenly last night while asking us to ‘end the hate,’” the reporter began. “Her body will lie in state at the Capitol rotunda beginning…”

“Yo, what’s up zoomers? It’s ya’ boy, Zoomcaster, here.” He stood in awe, overwhelmed by the events he’d witnessed. “It was like… it was like…” he struggled to describe what he’d seen. “It was like God just cut her down. ‘Died suddenly,’ everyone’s saying. ‘Died suddenly.’ There’s been an awful lot of ‘died suddenly’ lately. Even when we had COVID all over the place, we didn’t have seemingly healthy people just dropping dead like that. It’s sus, if you ask me. It’s mighty sus. She SAID she got boosted. Then moments later, THIS happens. You can’t tell me there isn’t a connection.”

“You’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe,” began another young man. “Many amateur pundits are rushing to claim that Senator Castillo’s recent COVID booster may have played some role in her sudden death. That’s just a conspiracy theory, folks. Talk about trying to plot a curve through too few points. Correlation and coincidence are NOT evidence of causation. Facts and logic, folks. Facts and logic.”

“Scientists tell us that climate change may be the cause of the alarming number of sudden deaths we’ve experienced lately in otherwise healthy people,” the British reporter opined. “Extreme heat can cause clotting and sudden heart attacks. That’s why we’ll be jetting to Hawaii next week for the Global Climate Summit where the world’s movers and shakers will learn from our most brilliant minds, figure out how we can reduce, recycle, and reuse, how we can reclaim our planet from humanity’s devastating impact and reset our society, so it won’t happen again.”

“By the end of the week-long trial,” the gray-haired reporter wrote an obituary, “she was a walking malignancy. Her eyes fascinated me: I watched them all day long. They were blazing points of hatred. What was behind that consuming hatred?

“Men. Men of integrity and competency and power and decency like Travis who destroyed her and made a mockery of her; now she would lead feminists, her soy boy feminist allies, and the gender-confused against them. Various facts clicked into the theory, and I hold it still. The hatred in her eyes was not for the enemies of social justice; it was for the enemies of Castillo.

“But what of her life? Did she accomplish any useful thing? Was she, in her day, of any dignity as a woman, and of any value to her fellow citizens? I doubt it. Castillo, at her best, was simply a magnificent jobseeker. The issues that she bawled about usually meant nothing to her. In her last great battle for chemical castration and gender-mutilating surgery for minors, there was only a ridiculous malignancy.

“Castillo was a vulgar and common woman. She was ignorant, bigoted, self-seeking, blatant, and dishonest. Her career brought her into contact with the leading figures of her time; she preferred the company of gender hucksters like President Buchmann. It was hard to believe, watching her at trial, that she had prowled the halls of power, traveled, been received in civilized societies, that she had been a high officer of state. She seemed only a poor clod like those around her, deluded by a childish ideology, full of an almost pathological hatred of all learning, all human dignity, all beauty, all fine and noble things, and all masculinity. She was a peasant come home to the dung-pile. Imagine a lady, and you have imagined everything that she was not.

“The job before democracy is to get rid of such canaille. If it fails, they will devour it.” The gray-haired reporter filed his obituary, shut his laptop, and left town.

“We have lost a great-souled woman and champion for social justice,” another reporter declared. “Our entire nation mourns for this tragic martyr who died as she lived – fighting the good fight to ‘end the hate.’ Our champion has fallen; the fight goes on.”

“This morning, I’M the one who needs an inspiration inhalation,” began a balding man, “deep breath in… hold it… and out. The Great Analyzer here with a public service fact check. Senator Castillo is the latest victim of anti-vaccination conspiracy theorists who claim she succumbed to ‘vaccine sudden death.’ In reality, the experts all agree that the scientific evidence to date clearly shows that the benefits of COVID vaccines outweigh their risks. Am I right? Of course, I am. Let me explain.”

“You can only have a heart attack if you have a heart,” another reporter emoted, “and Senator Castillo surely had a big heart.”

“Well, I’m not sure it’s polite to be talking about enlarged hearts and any other side effects of booster-induced myocarditis at a time like this,” the Dangerous Tranny declared. “We can’t be SURE it was the COVID vax,” he flipped his rainbow-hued feather stole past his MAGA hat to emphasize his point, “but it WAS the COVID vax. Obviously.”