Episode 8: The Show Begins

Feb 04, 2023

“Yesterday, upon learning that Senator Castillo had been honored as a professor of social justice, Senator Travis demanded that he too had to receive the same title, and a compliant judge apparently leaned on local university administration to accommodate him,” a reporter breathlessly informed her audience. “What does this mean for the trial outcome? Stay tuned to The Good Morning News for our continuing live coverage of the Andrews-Transphobia Trial after these brief messages from our sponsors.”

“Yo, what's up guys, it’s your boy the Zoomcaster here,” a young videocaster declared into his selfie-sticked phone,” bringing you the latest from the frontlines! So, big shoutout to one of my followers who hooked me up with their uncle, who lives around here. So, I've got a place to crash, and it’s all thanks to you guys. Thank you so much for your contributions yesterday, you guys are the real MVPs! Your donations paid for my gas to get here, and there was even enough left over for breakfast this morning. But let me tell you, the situation on the ground is not AT ALL what you’re seeing online. I had breakfast with some locals, and let me tell you, they’re not buying what the campus radicals are selling. They’re traditional folks who just don't like the idea of their boys being taught that they can be girls, and their girls being taught that maybe they’re boys. It’s a real eye opener. Also, it’s hard to tell how many of the normal folks might have made it onto the jury, since most anyone who expressed an opinion one way or another got challenged. My best guess of the jury breakdown in a moment. So, stay tuned for more updates, and as always, hit that like and subscribe button!”

“Live from the Andrews Trial, you’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe!” another videocaster began. “What a conservative moment! Senator Travis absolutely DESTROYED Roxy in jury selection yesterday, but a biased judge did his best to help her fill the jury with radicals. Senator Travis even FORCED the local university to make him a faculty member! Now, this morning, in the courthouse behind me, the latest chapter in the age-old debate between freedom of conscience and tyranny will unfold,” he proclaimed, “and I’ll be there to share every moment with you. Are drag queen story times acceptable elementary educational activities? These are the kinds of conversations we NEED to be having. And now, with a premium membership to my channel…”

“Our viewers may be amazed at the anarchy that is the American educational system,” a British reporter proclaimed. “Unlike our own system, the American system makes no attempt to assure that educators share only the best, most accurate, and most reliable teachings. Instead, teachers are allowed to share debunked science and transphobic doctrines with impunity under the guise of so-called ‘academic freedom.’ Here’s why academic freedom is a bad – even harmful – idea. Our coverage of the Andrews-Transphobia Trial goes live to Cambridge where we’ll be talking with the world-renowned behavioral psychologist, professor, and former deputy minister for mental hygiene who…”

“The selection of a jury to try Andrews showed to what extreme lengths the fanaticism of the local radicals has been pushed,” a balding reporter opined. “It was obvious after a few rounds that the jury would be unanimously hot for GAIA. The most that Senator Travis could hope for was to sneak in a few bold enough to declare they would have to hear the evidence against Andrews before condemning him. The slightest sign of anything further brought forth a peremptory challenge from the State. One man was challenged for simply admitting he stood for Liberty, Guns, Bibles, Trump, QAnon, Independence, and America. Another time a second-grade teacher who indoctrinates her charges in the gender-bending transsexual ideology got a hearty round of applause from the crowd and an express ticket into the jury box, thwarted only by a peremptory challenge....”

“The trial begins today in the case of the State versus Michael Philip Andrews,” proclaimed another reporter. “The Andrews-Transphobia Trial will test whether equity and social justice can triumph in a backwoods community bitterly clinging to their guns, Bibles, and sexual superstitions.”

“Time to center our focus, everyone. Deep breath in… hold it… and out,” began another balding man. “You’re listening to ‘The Great Analyzer,’ live from the Andrews Trial with the most insightful and accurate analysis you’ll find anywhere. Today’s lesson? Framing. You’ll notice all the major media have started calling it the Andrews TRANSPHOBIA Trial. Am I right? That’s telling, isn’t it? Now some of you will be thinking ‘muh vast conspiracy’ when really they’re just like a school of fish suddenly darting in one direction or another. A particular phrase neatly captures what they were all thinking, and they all latch on to it with a speed that creates the appearance of central coordination. But is there a boss fish commanding the school to go in a particular direction? I don’t think so. Vocabulary word for the day? Apophenia. That’s the propensity to see pattern and order in noise and chaos. And it’s an early sign of schizophrenic tendencies. So don’t go there! Am I right? Of course, I am.”

“In a heart-warming story,” another reporter emoted, “we’ll be talking to an elementary school teacher who was denied the opportunity to serve on the Andrews-Transphobia Trial jury. After this break, she’ll be telling us how she uses inclusive books like Antiracist Baby and Pink is for Boys to help her second graders get in touch with their sexuality and come out as trans and non-binary.”

“The fun and games are about to begin in the courthouse behind me,” proclaimed a podcaster in flamboyant drag. “Let’s kick off the podcasting day with our national anthem.” Twin American flags popped up from his back, one from each shoulder. “‘Oh say, can you see? By the dawn’s early light.’ Join in everybody! ‘What so PROUDLY we hailed…’”